April 30th,2022
August 4th, 2021, I packed Bear up (Bearren, 4-month-old
at the time) in the Hummer and headed into town to pick up some formula. It was
10:03am when I left the house and at 10:10 am, my life changed. The last thing
I saw behind a wheel of a car, was a Camry flying towards me, in my lane, then just
smoke and airbags.
This was the last time I was behind the wheel of a car… until
today.
That’s why this post is so late. I didn’t know how I felt,
or how I did. I didn’t know how to put this experience into words.
And honestly, I still don’t…
The days before doing this, my anxiety grew at the anticipation
finally trying to drive again.
The morning of, I almost puked.
But after an emotional breakdown to my husband, the weight
of anxiety and the fear had eased.
We talked for hours about how different life had become, and
the fears and obstacles this event had brought us, but we are still here, we are
still fighting, and we are making it happen every day.
“We are okay!”, we haven’t died, starved, our kids are safe
and taken care of, we are okay.
And when I thought it could never get better, slowly it did.
The fears I’ve had with, surgeries, deciding on amputation,
and the self-image differences, to this day none of them have killed me, and
some of it was easier than I could have even hoped for.
And when it wasn’t and the pain was intense, I still pulled
through. I realized the quicker I try, and work on it, the quicker that part of
my life would improve.
Being able to drive again, would open up so much freedom,
and independence. Not having to depend on everyone to take you places or pick up
what you need from the store. The best part, the part I long for is, driving
down backroads, with the windows down, wind flying through your hair, the sun
beating down through the sunroof, and music blasting so loud, you can't hear
yourself think.
And of course, alone!
Like I said in a previous post, no one around to hear me destroy
every song that comes on.
Right before getting in the car, I thought, “What if I can’t”. But I followed that question with, “You will not know till you try”.
Sitting behind the wheel was exhilarating and overwhelming
all at the same time. The joy I felt was like the first time my dad ever said, “You
want to drive”. And the overwhelming part was the same, but the fear was more
real now that I had been a victim of a life altering automobile accident. As I
turned the key, cranking up the engine, the feeling of joy overpowered the
fear.
I backed down the driveway and headed to the back of the
neighborhood, with Josh in the passenger seat.
Driving with my left foot, possible, but it gets tricky with
the movements of switching from gas to break. I adjusted my seat several times,
trying to find a good position. By the second go around, through the
neighborhood, I found a comfortable spot and my footing was better already.
Next, the open road!
I pulled out of the neighborhood onto the main road, as soon
as no car was in site. I took the path that circled around my house and by the
schools. The high school I graduated from. Some footing issues occurred still, with
stopping then going. But once I was going it was smooth.
The curves struck fear when a vehicle was coming from the
other direction, but I managed, Josh even stated that I was doing better than
he expected. But the third curve I encountered, I could feel my heart sink, and
became flushed with panic, as a white sedan speeding around the curve,
unexpectedly came into sight. I slightly jerked, Josh noticed.
He noticed but he stayed strong for me, asked if I was okay,
and if I wanted to pull over. I thought about it, but I quickly talked myself
back to reality, and told him I was good. It was scary but, I made it.
This whole challenge has been like that, in some way shape
or form, I had to come face to face with my fear to realize I was going to be
okay. That I still could, That the limits are actually limited, if I just try.
Life, is wild and we never know what is next. One minute you’re
just a normal mom, running every day normal errands, the next your bed bound,
and the next time you walk again or drive, will be with one leg instead of two.
But you can’t give up. No matter what you do, you don’t give
up. You fight, and you try, because if we don’t try, we know it for sure, will
not happen.
I’ve heard people say what happened to you doesn’t make you.
Well, I disagree, it definitely does.
But its up to us to decide how we let it make us. Failures,
highlights, trauma, all of it affects who we are.
Because of my accident, I am now an amputee. But I choose to
be proud of it, I choose to not let it stop me.
After getting back to the house I realized, this is still
something I’m not ready to do.
My footing is still off and the PTSD of the accident is
still a battle to work on. I hate to admit it but its true. I’m not ready. It almost feels like I failed.
But… I’m more ready than the days before. And that’s okay.
One day, and I’m sure soon, I will be back behind the wheel
all on my own. For now, I will keep practicing, and improve where I need. And that’s
okay too.
Thank you all for the love and support, through this
challenge! To the ones who joined, I am proud of you, and thankful for your involvement.
This is the end of the challenge, and I went from not being
able to do hardly anything, to accomplishing so much (21 thing I can now do
again). Yeah, some aren’t as impressive as the others, but they made my life so
much more enjoyable. Now I’m looking forward to what a difference a year will
make, and the things I will accomplish next time.
As far as healing, one scab has finally come off and the
other one is getting smaller by the day. Still some time before I will get
fitted for my prosthetic, but it’s coming.
Final list below, Keep following!
Ariel
Challenge Tracker:
1) Cleaned
the living room
2) Dishes
while standing
3) Yard
work (cleaning out flower beds)
4) Started
a Blog
5) Used
Crutches
6) Laundry
7)
Cooking
8) Grocery
shopping/ in stores
9) First
awkward moment in public (handled like a champ)
10) Spent
the afternoons at a house other than my own.
11) Met
my first Blog fan.
12) Sanded
and painted a house (living room and hall way)
13)
First Movie Theater experience
14)
First Mother/Daughter outing
15)
First volunteer service since the accident
16)
Hopped up and down stairs
17) First
Pedicure
18) Watched
my kids
20) First
time swinging on a swing (since accident)
21) Drove !
NO LIMB-ITS CHALLENGE:
Find at least one thing,
just one. (Can be more, but not less) that you are either struggling with or
learning something new. Try it and, make it happen this month!
No excuses, No LIMB-ITS!
Then share! You will be
amazed how Contagious, your own strength and motivation, truly is!
Build yourself, improve
yourself, Believe in yourself!
Because at the end of the
day, our happiness is our own responsibility!
(Limb Loss Awareness Month-Challenge)
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