The weekends, just seem to fly by. Here one minute, then before
you know it, its Monday!
April 8th:
Friday, was full of laughter and family time. Des came by to
take me to the local Publix. All I had to do was, to pick up my new
prescription, and a few groceries.
As you remember, I was complaining of pain in a few of my
posts. Well, here we are, just about 3 months out. The pain still gets pretty intense
at times some of it is very consistent for days, at a time. Then a numb tingly
sensation, just stays there 24/7.
I’ve become used to the feeling of my foot being suffocated
in a bucket of cement… Yes, I’m talking about the foot that is now sitting in a
can on my dresser (I really need to get a nice urn for my ashes, a fun story to
tell at another time).
That numbness is with me all day every day. I can still feel
my ankle, moving around trying to stop the sensations coming through, a limb that’s
no longer there.
Phantom pains are
REAL. Those who don’t believe it, I pray you never find out the truth. Cause
its not fun physically, or even mentally. I take Gabapentin 600mg TID (3x a
day) equals to 1800mg/day (pretty high dose), But does it help? I know there
has been a time where I missed a dose and the pain definitely seemed to be more
intense, but it’s been intense without missing a dose. I spoke with Laura (the
best nurse I could have for my situation) and we decided to switch to Lyrica (same
medication as gabapentin, just a different, and more potent formula).
Now with phantom pains, I’ve heard several different time
frames, on how long do phantom pains last? Some say they never had them
(lucky), others said after 1 month, they disappeared (still lucky). Some
individuals though can experience phantom pains up to a year after surgery,
before they stop (guess we will find out). But I’ve spoke with some amputees
that still mention having excruciating phantom pains years after their
amputation (Lord, please stop them soon).
So, lets hope Lyrica is the answer! Pain can prevent progression,
and that’s not the life I am trying to live.
Heading to Publix, I contemplated about going in myself. I
didn’t have my handicap tag with me, so I guess, if we find a parking spot that
I can safely get out of with my wheelchair being between both cars, I’ll go in.
I wouldn’t say I am embarrassed, but I definitely don’t feel like dealing with
any uncomfortable conversations, or even glances.
To my surprise however, my trip was far from that. Des, the
kids and I parked next to a white truck with plenty of room to move my wheel
chair between both vehicles. The only thing that could turn this into a little
less convenient… you guessed it, was if that truck left. Sure enough, as soon
as I made I from the car to the wheelchair, the owner walked up. I knew it would be fine either way, des just
might have to pick me up in the front, but I couldn’t help myself to joke with
him, that he couldn’t leave yet. The young man was probably no older than 25.
He stated he would gladly wait for us to finish shopping before he left. I told
him no it’s fine, honestly, I knew it was. We laughed and then headed inside.
We stopped at the bakery so the kids could get a free cookie,
and Des can indulge in her favorite macaroons. We traveled down a couple of
isles making our way to the pharmacy, grabbing a few things as we went. There were
a few looks, some trying not to make eye contact others smiled, but the mixed
signals had my anxiety in overdrive. I was ready to get out of there.
I went over to the pharmacy and signed for my medication,
while Des finished-up shopping. I knew we had been in the store over 20 minutes,
and I was ready to just be back home already. I don’t like this new
uncomfortable feeling I get when I go out.
Honestly it wasn’t even because something bad has happened,
I guess I’m just anxious for the day that it does happen.
Maybe it will, maybe
it won’t, but I like to be prepared for any situations, and there are still so
many things, I have yet to encounter during this new phase in my life. So, my
guard has been in overdrive, along with anxiety. Not the best combo, but until
I experience thing’s I can’t help but try and protect myself from a world that
has been known for so much hate.
I was not expecting the experiences I had this weekend however,
like the moment I rolled out to the parking lot, I was not expecting to see
what I saw.
You guys, that same young man was still parked beside the
car.
That young man could have left, I actually told him to. Out of
the kindness of his heart, He stayed to make my day just a little bit easier.
What I don’t think he expected, was to change my whole way of thinking. He didn’t
have to do what he did, he is young and probably could have left to go get into
trouble with his friends like most guys that age. But he stayed and made me realize
by fearing going out, I was actually doing myself the disservice of missing
some wonderful people, and things still left in this world.
Yeah, it could be
bad, but it could be great. One thing I have lived behind most of my life, but
lost when I had my accident, and even more so since the amputation. So, all weekend I challenged myself to enjoy
life more outside of the comfort of my home.
That night Josh and I headed out to dinner, the plan was Iron
Age (Korean bbq, infamous to my friends and family), but the 80-minute wait was
not sounding good, to the hunger burning in my stomach. We settled (not that
its bad) with Texas Roadhouse. The food was delicious, the steak tender and full
of flavor, and the service was great.
Over all a wonderful
night, maybe to wonderful.
When we went to leave, we paid and tipped the server, and as
soon as we opened the door, I went racing down the side walk to the cross walk,
sharp curve with a slight dip going into the road. One of the joys I have found
is going up and down slops as fast as possible, and making the smooth sharp
turns. I feel like I’m 10 years old trying to ollie for the first time.
Being on wheels can be fun. What I wasn’t expecting was for
the next part to bring me as much laughter as it did.
While I wait for my prosthetic, I have to wear what I like
to call a “stump bucket” (residual limb protector), this helps with shaping my residual
limb while protecting it from being hit or knocked into, a removable cast if
you will.
The awkwardness of wearing the bucket is insane. It will not
stay up without a belt. The in which I can’t
stand. So, I use my God given thick thighs to hold it up when I hop around.
Normally sitting I don’t have to worry about it, but with
too much movement or force, it has slipped off a time or two.
That’s exactly what happened!
I hit the dip slinging my chair sideways to make the turn
into the road. I hit it just enough to send said “Stump bucket into the road
underneath me. I looked back to find it, notifying josh as well that it was in
the road. When I looked back though I seen this family looking at what had just
happened the shock on the little boys’ face though made me laugh so hard, while
the poor mom was trying to figure out what and how to help.
Now I could have been completely embarrassed by this, but instead
I laughed, because come on how many times are you going to see something like
that. Honestly, if I had still had my guard up like I did earlier today, I
probably would have been. Instead, I laughed. I embraced a moment that could
have weakened me, and turned it into a comical memory I will be enjoying for
years to come.
Its not always easy, there are days where I can’t even begin to understand why I feel the way I feel. The young mans’ kindness, changed my mood for the rest of the evening, saving me from something that could have led me to a night of tears.
Kindness and thoughtfulness, is a beautiful tool, so use it!
you could be the one thing that makes that person smile today, or you can be
the one that changes their whole day, or maybe even their whole life.
April 9th:
Does anyone else believe, your anxiety can spike due to
dates associated with trauma? The death of a loved one, or anniversary of the
day your entire life was altered?
I do, for years, even before my accident, I believe this.
There have been times where I will just feel like I’m in a
funk, no rhyme or reason; until you realize in 2 days marks 10 years since your
grandfather has passed. All of a sudden, your unexplained anxiety, and
emotional roller coaster you have been in for the past week, all make sense.
This week has been like that for me.
Two years ago, I lost what I considered to be my sister.
Brook, at one point, was to become my cousin, through
marriage.
She attended the same school as my cousin and sister, they
had the same class (3rd grade). Quickly, Lauren and Brook were inseparable.
I loved Brook, even though she had sisters closer to my age, she was different,
and she was sick.
For as long as Brook could remember, she battled with
Epilepsy.
Seizure after seizure, month after month, and sometimes
multiple in a week.
It became so common we would just roll her on her side, and
once she woke, we moved her to a bed where she could rest. Never in a million
years would I have thought, this is what would take her from this world, but 2
years ago on January 8th, my sister and I received the call that
brook had a seizure, and she didn’t make it.
She had seizures all the time, why now? What was different. Turns out a seizure can stop your heart. Who knew,
right? I have been in the medical field (not neurology or maybe I would have
known) and never knew this could happen, as easy as it does.
Tomorrow, is her birthday, and I can tell it’s still gets to
me just with how rough this week has gone; or from time to time I will look
over at her little urn on my dresser and tears will feel up my eyes till I choke
on my own words.
Her death, has been hard. So young, never even reached 25,
and she passed what we felt was unexpected. She also had a heart of gold. Her little
4” 9 self, left a lot of prints on the people she left behind.
I miss her terribly and I know tomorrow I can take the time
to think and celebrate her. Today suppose to be a good day though, I tried to
change my way of thinking. Today I was going with Josh to pick up Braylin after
almost a week of being with her dad. I was going and I was excited.
The ride however, had different plans.
People drive so crazy now, maybe they always did but today
seemed worse. We had a car run up behind us, cross the double line to pass us.
My anxiety turned into a full-blown panic attack. My chest tightened, I couldn’t
breathe, and I was crying, tears sobs and all.
No, this was probably, from the idiots on the road, more
than everything with Brooks’ birthday tomorrow. But I have traveled further
than an hour away and never panicked as bad as today.
I don’t think I have had a panic attack like that since high
school.
This was also the first time I had to pull out my anxiety
medication since December. I haven’t used it once since my amputation. Today
though, I was on the verge of passing out.
Obviously, I made it! Not sure, if I would call that trip a success,
makes me wonder if I will ever be able to stomach driving for myself. I’m definitely not as ready as I had thought
earlier this week.
When we get to the meeting point, bray got in the car as her
Pop-Pop and Josh loaded up her things. I haven’t seen any of them since before
my accident, so Arnie and I chatted a little bit, about my leg and the accident
itself. It was like nothing had changed in the way we spoke. He asked that we
set something up this Summer for her to go back down to see them. I think it
would be great for her go down there more. I want her to see both sides of her family as
much as possible, I feel it is important for her to be close with them and know
more of her dads’ side of the family.
My anxiety eased up; the medicine was working.
Working enough for me to be up to a dinner with Bray, and
Josh at Golden Corral. Brays favorite restraint, all you can eat buffet.
I think this is the first time it’s been just Josh, Bray and
I doing something together; since the surgery, maybe even the accident.
Overall, it was nice, we laughed, and ate so much food! By
the end I think we were all ready for bed.
My experience there was interesting, trying to wheel yourself
around a bunch of people, while you have a plate full of food, isn’t as easy as
you would think.
I did it successfully, by myself. People offered to help me,
but I politely declined. I did it all without even spilling a drop.
When I went to the restroom though, one tiny issue.
I will forever apologize for using the handicap stall when I
didn’t need it. EVERY STALL was available except the one that would fit my
wheelchair. Waiting for that woman to come out was frustrating, to say the
least. But my only complaint.
Please just be mindful about your actions please. I know we
all do it, but that could have been bad if I still had the stomach bug. Talk
about EMBARRASSMENT.
We finished the night out, with a movie at home and cinnamon
rolls (not like we haven’t already eaten enough to feed 20 people).
I never have been one to enjoy taking medication, I have always
feared addiction, but today could have not turned out so wonderful had I not
taken my anxiety medicine. I was able to calm down and enjoy moments with my
family, instead of freaking out.
Sometimes we need assistance and that’s okay. I ask for assistance
in my growth and mental health everyday when I pray. His strength is sometimes
all you need, but sometimes, with the events life throws at us, we can not even
begin to scratch the surface of our problems. That’s where medication comes
into play, and yesterday is one of those day I needed the assistance to keep
pushing.
I hope one day, I won’t need it. But on the days, I do, I’m
thankful its there.
By the way, I have to go ahead and say the amount of inspiration
coming from my Amp-Fam, is insane. I have watch so many of them try new things
this month, things I hope to accomplish in the near future. It’s amazing to
watch their dedication to living their best lives, and not allowing this to
prevent them from happiness.
People swimming for the first time, riding a bike for the
first time, walking with a prosthetic for the first time. Its incredible to see
them continuing to live. You all inspire me every day. There are also some
individuals that are new (newer than I), and though some are scared and in pain,
some have embraced it.
No matter where you are currently at in this world, or what you’re
struggling with, remember it will get better. It may not seem like it, you will
have good days, then some that are a battle. The most important tool to
remember is to keep fighting to see another day.
Not much to add to the list but here we go:
Challenge Tracker:
1) Cleaned
the living room
2) Dishes
while standing
3) Yard work
(cleaning out flower beds)
4) Started a
Blog
5) Used
Crutches
6) Laundry
7) Cooking
8) Grocery shopping/ in stores
9) First
awkward moment in public (handled like a champ)
NO LIMB-ITS CHALLENGE:
Find at least one thing, just one. (Can be more,
but not less) that you are either struggling with or learning something new.
Try it and, make it happen this month!
No excuses, No LIMB-ITS!
Then share! You will be amazed how Contagious,
your own strength and motivation, truly is!
Build yourself, improve yourself, Believe in
yourself!
Because at the end of the day, our happiness is
our own responsibility!
(Limb Loss Awareness Month-Challenge)
Comments
Post a Comment