April 19th:
Since the day I started to even phantom the thought of chopping
my leg off, I tried to out way the positives and negatives. I would hope
everyone would really look into something of this magnitude, before making a
decision. I mean it's not like trying a wild nail color, or even dying or cutting
your hair, the car you are going to buy, or even buying a house.
This was removing a body part, a piece of myself FOREVER! Not
like hair that will grow back, just GONE!
I poured into months of research, not to mention, loads of
self-searching. A lot of info and a lot of possibilities, and what ifs. I seen
what my next year or two could look like trying to fight and save my leg. I also
looked at what my life may look like if I went through with the amputation. And
what did I find?
Well, more possibilities and what ifs!
Because there was no way of truly knowing what was going to
happen. I mean not many people are faced with that decision, right? I mean, maybe
the victims in SAW (The Horror Film) lol.
The truth is there are more out there than you realize.
I have only personally met one, well virtually met. But her
and I have pretty much become one; and well once she has her amputation, she
will literally be my other half (opposite leg being amputated). Rey was there through the whole process of me
deciding. She helped me see things from a different view, and the only person
faced with the same decision as I.
She helped me see the pain I could face, even if the leg
could be saved.
I’ve listened to her
struggles. Her urning to live, but restricted in such a way, what she used to
know and love was now almost impossible without excruciating pain, not just fun
things, chores even.
I got a glimpse into what my life could be like, and “no offense
Rey”, it was not what I wanted for my life.
Our talks on my decision, was nothing less of emotional
rollercoaster ride!
Sometimes though, to lighten the mood, we would joke about
our life’s with only one leg.
I’ll never forget the night we was discussing possible “deal
breaking” benefits, of loosing a leg.
1.
Weight loss (no work just cost of a leg)
2.
FRONT ROW PARKING EVERYWHERE
3.
Only have to shave one leg
4.
50% off pedicures… (this one was definitely one
of my top two, right after front row parking.)
Front row parking is pretty amazing, but also right now,
makes life so much easier. In a normal parking spot, you can not fit a
wheelchair between 2 parked cars, with out hitting a vehicle (not where I live
anyways).
Weight loss, let us just say I don’t know what happened!
Maybe swelling, or maybe I gained more weight after the surgery; because I didn’t
loose a single pound.
Yep, not even one. I didn’t gain either, but I feel like losing
a leg should have made some difference (which I haven’t weighed but once since
then).
Shaving one leg?
Well, it’s been nice, not that it really bothers me much
anymore anyways. No one is looking at the hair on my leg, they are looking at
the fact I only have one leg. I guess that means technically I don’t have to
shave my legs at all (just a joke).
Which brings me to 50% pedicures… well close enough. Today
was the first pedicure I have had in over 9 months. Something I have looked
forward to doing for months, yet feared doing.
You might ask, “why, you have been in public where others
have seen you already. What is different?”
Well let me share…
1.
When in public alone, I usually don’t have one
on one contact to the extent, that leads to what happened. (at least not yet)
2.
A pedicure in more intimate and personal, while
focusing on the one part of the body I half way lack.
3.
Asking for a discount, well that’s just normal
right. Not when its because you are completely missing a body part.
Honestly, it’s been so nerve racking to think about for me. If
it wasn’t for an ingrown causing me pain on the only foot I have to stand on; I
would have probably backed out today as well.
So, off I went.
I mean what was the worse that was going to happen? What ever
it is, can not be worse than what I have already been through (words of
encouragement I give myself, when I feel like I’m starting to chicken out).
When I arrived, they asked what I wanted. I told them
pedicure, and waited for a glance of confusion, maybe even disgust.
None, just a quick “seat 19, over here in the front”.
The lady, who was going to do my pedicure came over and
started the water, and walked off to finish up with her previous client. As she
walked away she asked if I knew which pedicure I would like, or if I would like
a menu. I agreed to the menu and she brought it over. By this time I had already
chatted with the ladies beside me, just small talk and laughter.
I could not help but include them in the fun of the next
question. So, I told them “Watch this”.
As she came back from checking out her client. She asked if
I had decided on the pedicure I wanted?
I glanced down at the collagen package ($45), than looked up
and asked, “ Do I get 50% off pedicures, with only one leg”?
My heart was pounding, I really could not believe I just
asked that. The women next to me, busted out in laughter, which eased tons of
tension thankfully.
But, I think that we were all taken back when the manager
lady, not even the one doing the pedicure states; “Maybe $10 off but not 50%
just because you have one foot”!
Like what?
Did she really just say this, I knew a few individuals felt off
about what she had just said.
She comes walking over, speaking in her native language to
the lady, who is now sitting in front of me turning off the water.
In English the manager looks at me and says “She said she
will do it for $25 dollars”!
Might not be exactly 50% off but very close, and seemed very
reasonable.
I thanked the lady (I never caught her name) She didn’t speak
English well, but understood it enough to accept my thanks.
I sat back and relaxed, as the pedicure began.
Oh, how I missed those massaging chairs, the leg massages,
hot towels and stones. It was phenomenal.
Sucked it only took half the time though.
At one point, while she rubbed lotion on my leg and foot, a
little sadness hit.
I will never feel this on my other leg, ever again.
Silly, I know. I already knew this, but sometimes, in
moments like these it just cuts a little deeper. Visually and physically, my
body is faced with an at hand moment of realization, that I had only thought of
before.
Like I said earlier, it’s a lot of possibilities and what if’s,
you can try and prepare the best you can. Until you are placed in that
situation yourself, you do not know how your body, or mind will handle it.
The amputation for example. I expected there would be pain
and lots of it at first.
Boy was I wrong!
It was Far worse than I expected.
That pain, is unlike anything I have ever felt before, and
pray I never experience it again.
All and all though, I
do not regret my decision by a long shot.
The pain has eased to what I think is somewhat manageable, and
only has shown to improve over time. And well I am already getting back to life!
Not going through surgery and recovery, and more surgeries
and recovery. Being non weight bearing and un able to use it anyways, in what
was most likely going to lead me to having to take this route anyways. Why
prolong it?
Same way I feel about these fears, I keep coming across. Why
prolong it? One day, I will have to face these situations either way, if I want
my life back, and honestly, I’m tired of waiting. I will no longer be the
reason I am not living the life I want, because of fear, challenges, trauma.
I’m starting to notice through this challenge, that its
usually a way better experience, than I originally thought. Even the comment from
the manager at the nail salon, while she was being slightly rude, and definitely,
insensitive in her words. It was NOT that bad.
As for the lady who stood up and offered to do my pedicure
for $25, I appreciate your kindness, and care. I will be returning just for her
alone.
So, another first in the books! I hope you all take the chance
to put your fears aside, and do something. No matter if its, something as big
as skydiving, or as small as applying for that job you fear you wont get.
At the end of the day, you will never know if you never try.
Until next time.
Ps: Rey, I dedicated this one to you, in hopes to ease your
fears, on the battle you are fixing to take on. Know I stand behind you and will
support you through it all, just as you have done for me. Thank you for your
friendship!
Challenge Tracker:
1) Cleaned
the living room
2) Dishes
while standing
3) Yard
work (cleaning out flower beds)
4) Started
a Blog
5) Used
Crutches
6) Laundry
7)
Cooking
8) Grocery
shopping/ in stores
9) First
awkward moment in public (handled like a champ)
10) Spent
the afternoons at a house other than my own.
11) Met
my first Blog fan.
12) Sanded
and painted a house (living room and hall way)
13)
First Movie Theater experience
14)
First Mother/Daughter outing
15)
First volunteer service since the accident
16)
Hopped up and down stairs
17) First Pedicure
NO LIMB-ITS CHALLENGE:
Find at least one thing,
just one. (Can be more, but not less) that you are either struggling with or
learning something new. Try it and, make it happen this month!
No excuses, No LIMB-ITS!
Then share! You will be
amazed how Contagious, your own strength and motivation, truly is!
Build yourself, improve
yourself, Believe in yourself!
Because at the end of the
day, our happiness is our own responsibility!
(Limb Loss Awareness Month-Challenge)
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