April 21st, 22nd and 23rd:
This challenge to me was all about seeing what I could
actually do, if I just tried. Changing the what ifs into I can(s), and seeing how
changing my activity level and mind set, could possibly promote healing
(physically).
So far, almost everything I had laid out for this month has
happened, and I have managed pretty well.
But the things I wanted to accomplish later this month, as
in now, is a little more complexed, and health wise according to my doctors I can’t
do until after I am healed from my next surgery.
I found out Thursday going to a gym and lifting weights, or
anything other than just walking I am not allowed to do.
NEWS FLASH!! I can’t walk yet. When I informed my vascular nurse
of this, she felt dumb and realized, that was stupid to suggest.
This is what it looks like on the backend of healing from a
surgery that impacts your life the way amputation has.
Waiting… Lots of waiting, and hearing the word NO, a lot.
My Ortho-Trauma surgeon (the one who amputated), states I am
allowed to get fitted for my prosthetic, and I can go to a gym and work out.
Then my Vascular Surgeon who says, I can not do strenuous
exercises, only walking, till after surgery (removal of IVC filter via through
the neck). And they are now unsure about taking me off blood thinners, EVER.
Then there is the lovely Prosthetic team (Shamrock) who
believes I should start building strength for when I am able to get a
prosthetic, but I can’t be fitted till my scabs are fully gone.
3 people, 3 places who have so much control on what I can
and can not do, all with different treatment plans and limits. It’s exhausting,
one minute your ready to cry because your Surgeon says, it’s time for you to
get your leg. The amount of relief and freedom, an amputee gets from hearing
these words, is unimaginable. I can’t even begin to describe the happiness I felt,
only to hear from the prosthetic team, I’m still not ready.
Remember when Covid shut down the world?
You couldn’t go nowhere, do nothing, see anyone. All you could
do was re-plan that wedding that now is pushed back. That vacation you want to
take but can’t till Covid restrictions are released.
That feeling of having your whole life on hold, is probably
the closest comparison I can come up with, that everyone can relate too.
Its sitting back and waiting for life to happen,
restrictions to be lifted, normalcy to return.
it was more than just the gym, there was more no’s than there
were yeses the past couple of days. I felt defeated, and the mixed signals definitely,
got my hopes up.
But this is my normalcy for now.
I set out to find
what I can’t do yet and I found several.
It’s hard to swallow, when your so use to having so much
control over your life, to depending on everyone else for; a ride to appointments,
or anything you need to do, planning your needs around other people’s lives, is
frustrating. And not in an ungrateful way, just waiting.
Its all about timing. And sometimes its just not your time.
I understand this, but its difficult to accept.
From the beginning of all this, I knew that there was no guarantee
on how the healing process would go.
They hope for 6-8 weeks recovery time. Then 2-3 weeks, after
that you would get fitted for your prosthetic, and once that’s done, 1-2 weeks
till you receive your leg, In a perfect world that is.
January 28th 2022, the day of my amputation. I am
now 12 weeks and 3 days post op, and not even looking to getting fitted anytime
soon, maybe next month, but I am not holding my breath. I just came to realize there is still a lot of
healing I have to do, before I can progress in certain areas. As much as it
sucks knowing, somethings just can not be right now, I know its temporary and just
have to remind myself “In time, it will happen.”
I just can’t give up! I have to focus on the things I can
do, to promote me getting to where I need to be. Where I want to be!
So, Friday instead of going to the gym, I kept my oldest son
home, for the first time without the help of my parents.
My Nana was here, as she usually is. Being that she is an
almost 72-year-old woman who is not in the best of health, the boys have been
staying with their aunt, since I have been down.
Something else hard to say is someone else has been raising
my kids.
Over all the day went well. It was Sunny and beautiful.
Bennett before my
accident and before his brother was even born were two totally different kids.
He was a biter and a hitter, grouchy and wild. That was putting it nicely. I
worried about his behavior for a while. What 15-month-old gets kicked out of
daycare… Bennett!
He made it impossible for me to work. I was always having to
pick him up from daycare for tormenting another toddler for the 3rd
time in a week, and the day would only be Tuesday.
They say babies can sense a change (say there is another
baby on the way). I honestly believe Bennett was not thrilled to be a big
brother. For the first 2 months of Bears
life, Bennett continued to struggle, adjusting to the change, of having another
baby around. Then one day, He was giving him a gentle hug and kiss, then he started
checking on his brothers every cry. Slowly but surely, Bennett started to calm
down a lot.
Now, he still has his days, but for the most part, he’s a really smart, caring and protective little man, with a comical mentality.
Friday was so incredible learning his daily routine again,
start to finish. Knowing that I am responsible for his well-being.
Being an active mother once again!
There is nothing like that feeling! It’s something I have yearned
for, for 9 months. And He lived. Not once did he become hateful, or mean. We played,
and ate, it was like he knew my limits but never pushed them. We started to
build a bond again, and I can’t wait till I can have all my kids stay with me
again. With out fear or worry about, what do I do if something bad happens,
like it is now.
Saturday all the kids stayed home with Nana and I till 12,
when it was time for us to go to my nephews first birthday party.
I learned real fast that both boys being home with nana and
I alone is not a great idea yet. Though I was grateful to have all of them with
me. The boys fought, all day! Biting hitting pushing. They were wild. Bennett
would unlock the door and run out (getting latches for the top), Bear was
getting into things he doesn’t need to be messing with. It was a mess, to say
the least.
But we survived, and made it to the party on time alive.
But for safety of the kids, till I am more mobile, we can
not handle them both all day at the same time. One at a time, is all we can
handle, which is hard to admit, and just like I said earlier, I feel defeated.
Change is hard, Its even harder when its not planned. When
you don’t even see it coming.
This weekend I was thinking back to Bennett and how he was
before Bear and now. How my life was before my accident compared to today. How
much different my life is just since last month. Change is inevitable, something
we are all going to face. But we have to learn how to adapt. Adapting doesn’t have
to be negative.
Trusting the process, and embracing it is the hardest part
of change. But once you adapt, you find a sense of peace, understanding, and
happiness. That’s why they say change is good.
Even if the situation
is horrific (losing a leg is definitely in that category), there is so much
good that can happen, I learn more and more about myself each day. I have a
different view on life, that allows me to enjoy each moment a little more. And though
I don’t know what the rest of this journey holds for me or how long it will
take, I will continue adapting to my new normal, all while striving to build
the life I want.
“In time, it will happen!”, “Don’t give up!” things I repeat
to myself with every no, each let down, and any moment of hopeless ness.
When you feel like you have no control of something, find
something you can control, something you can do.
“I can’t walk, but I can hop”, for example. No its nowhere
close in comparison of simplicity, but I have to realize, the more I am moving
the closer I get to walking.
“I can’t work out the way I would like, but I need to wait
to prevent any injury that could delay the process even more.” It’s a set back
but if I want to lift weights at the gym again, I need to focus on healing, so
I can get to it faster. In the mean time I will do my little home stretches and
exercises, to build up the strength for when the time comes.
Its about timing, how you adapt and embrace change depends
on how easy that time will be for you!
Take ownership of your happiness!
Realizing you’re the one truly responsible for your happiness,
not your spouse your parents, your job, or even your traumas should have that
much power. It’s the ugly truth! At the end of the day, its up to you to be
happy, even if you need help getting there. Its up to no one, but yourself to make
a way for you to be happy.
If you really sit back and think about the steps you would
have to take to be ultimately happy, what would those steps be?
Some people know these steps already, and know what to do,
some people don’t know where to start so maybe the first thing is you need to
speak with a professional, a consultant, or a coach, to help you figure out those
steps, that’s fine, it’s to ultimately lead you to being happy.
By looking at where you want to be, who you want to be, and
the steps it will take to get there. You then have control of happiness, your
fate.
So, I sat back on the swing set and swung as high as I could
go, knowing that with in time, it will all fall into place. I will just focus
on what all I can control through this process, and building myself up for
more.
I found a little bit of peace on that swing Saturday. Just
like a kid, not a care in the world. Realizing that it’s going to be okay!
The birthday party was adorable, and over all, a good turn-out.
The kids had a blast swinging, sliding, playing with balloons. The food was
great as well (my sister always goes above and beyond), But for once I really didn’t
feel out of place in a large group. Each day I work towards excepting my new self,
and I finally can tell my confidence is getting stronger.
Over all it was an amazingly crazy weekend full of emotions,
laughter, fear, fun, and wild memories I will for ever cherish. The clarity I got from this weekend, however,
was PRICELESS. Each day I can tell I’m getting stronger and soon enough, I will
be living the life I dream about, as long as I take ownership and choose happiness
in the end.
Until next time
Challenge Tracker:
1) Cleaned
the living room
2) Dishes
while standing
3) Yard
work (cleaning out flower beds)
4) Started
a Blog
5) Used
Crutches
6) Laundry
7)
Cooking
8) Grocery
shopping/ in stores
9) First
awkward moment in public (handled like a champ)
10) Spent
the afternoons at a house other than my own.
11) Met
my first Blog fan.
12) Sanded
and painted a house (living room and hall way)
13)
First Movie Theater experience
14)
First Mother/Daughter outing
15)
First volunteer service since the accident
16)
Hopped up and down stairs
17) First
Pedicure
18) Watched my kids
20) First time swinging on a swing (since accident)
NO LIMB-ITS CHALLENGE:
Find at least one thing,
just one. (Can be more, but not less) that you are either struggling with or
learning something new. Try it and, make it happen this month!
No excuses, No LIMB-ITS!
Then share! You will be
amazed how Contagious, your own strength and motivation, truly is!
Build yourself, improve
yourself, Believe in yourself!
Because at the end of the
day, our happiness is our own responsibility!
(Limb Loss Awareness Month-Challenge)
Comments
Post a Comment