The Leg I Have Been Waiting For..?!

 

     The decision to amputate my leg, came as a challenge. To describe it would never bring my feelings to justice.

    

    For months, I contemplated what life would be like with and without, one of my legs, I have only relied on my entire life! There was pressure, not really anyone twisting my arm or anything like that.

    It was TIME... 

Imagine sitting trapped in a bubble, you can see you can talk but you can't move... you can't do anything. so you just sit and you watch... EVERYDAY.

You watch your friends going on amazing adventures. You see your loved ones get up get dressed head to work/school... and you just stay... in the same place as the days before, for weeks on end. You miss game days for your child's sports team, the celebration of your friends having babies, the events you planned so hard for.

Just wasting away, almost non existent.

I kept thinking to myself. "This must be what it would look like if I was dead, and watching them from the after-life... in the caves of hell. Wanting to be there, wanting to help, wanting to raise your children, but all that I could do is watch.

The pain was horrific, and through all of it I was having to make the hardest decision of my life.

 

It was like I was trapped in a real live scenario of SAW. the more I fought it the longer i would be here in this, If I just cut my leg off I could get the key and get back to the world I once lived. 

Just sitting I increased my risk of dying, get an infection leading to me losing more of my limb, or worse my mind.

Every day, Sitting there doing the research, reaching out to other amputees trying to find all the answers to this insane decision-making process, all while trying to stay sane enough to keep fighting, was weakening my mental health.

Then you through on all I was missing out on with my kids!

My oldest was in softball and up until my accident I may have missed a practice, and maybe 1 game. Thats in 4 seasons.

My middle turned 2 and being my mischievous little hurricane, he needed me to be there to care for him.

My youngest, well the whole first year of his life minus the first 4 months, gone. I missed it all. 

I missed so much since the accident, but the one thing that hit the hardest was missing the whole first year of my last and final child. 

Regret of my tubal litigation after his birth haunted me for many of nights. 

Everyone has asked, "How did you stay so Positive through it all?"

Honestly, I didn't.. not always at least. I would try in hopes only good would come from doing so.

Some nights however, the weight of it all would come down on me so heavily, I would suffocate on my own breath. 

Once making my decision to amputate the anticipation of getting the surgery over and getting a prosthetic, consumed me. Thats when I would be back to normal.

I'm sure several of my friends and family heard me tell over and over again... "Just have to wait till I get my leg and this will all be over". "I will get back to normal, once I get my leg".

I know there was going to work, struggles, and I knew it wasn't going to be no cake walk.

What I didn't realize, was how hard it was going hit me, that normal was never going to be my normal. 

On June 23rd 2022, I put on my first leg (the test socket; which it the trial leg to make sure everything fits correctly before molding your final leg)

I expected relief. Acceptance from my body, that would stop the pain and feel one with the rest of my leg. 

Instead, I felt the emotions of grief flow over me. The grief on my leg, the grief of my life before, and the things I never accomplished before the tragic wreck, that took away basically... my whole understanding of my existence!

I knew I was expected to be excited, smile, cry happy tears, but all the way home the car ride was silent and the debate to share this "exciting news" was overwhelming.

I did end up sharing my first steps and encouraged myself to let that drive my excitement when sharing. Everyone was thrilled, while I let them be happy for me, I still was mourning all that I have lost. 

Its like those months of being "Okay" and "Positive", finally caught up to me.

The realization that my "leg" was never going to be like my leg. I would always do extra just to do normal task. I would always think about things that people don't normally consider. Like using the bathroom in the middle of the night. (No you don't sleep with a prosthetic) when I i have to go  I will use some form of walking assistance (crutch, walker, iwalk, knee scooter...).

My clothing is now based on the accessibility to my prosthetic. 

Shorts, and dresses are now consuming my closet and dresser. No more jeans, also no more flip flops (my prosthetic foot has no slit in the toes, so crocs and tennis shoes it is.).

Why am I sharing all the negative?

Because its the truth. its painful and uncomfortable to face. It may hurt my pride to admit the weak moments, but I hope someone reads this and realizes.. they aren't alone.

I'm 30-year-old female, with decent health till the crash and everyone who fell into my category (health, trauma induced, size, gender) said, " Once you get your leg, it will all be better", or, "my leg fits amazing, I've never had any problems". Never once did I find someone matching my profile, say I hate my leg, its uncomfortable. the pain sucks. But the truth is it happens, no rhyme or reason... it just happens. 

And though my thoughts, my feelings and my pain is very real. I realize this too is just a detour in this crazy thing called life.

On July 27th, I received my final leg.

"Walking" into Shamrock Prosthetics (My prosthetic company) that day, I tried to stay hopeful, and trust the process, but the negative feelings i encountered at my first fitting over a month ago, came to mind. 

as I waited anxiously, Jess from the front, came back with her warm smile and embrace to let me know how excited she was for me. I love all the employees I have encountered there, but Jess has a whole vibe, that will lift your spirits every time you come in contact with her. 

Scott the technician that worked on building my leg to fit me, finally arrived in the room with a beautiful, mermaid inspired leg. I felt excited for a moment, now to just hope it fits better than the testers, and when I say fits, I mean, to my comfort.

as I put my socks over my liner (another step in being able to do "normal" things) and pushed my residual limb into my socket, I gasped at the relief.

It was made for me!

It was lighter, and more conformed to my limb. There was finally hope and a realization that, I can do this, and it will get easier. It will get better. 

YOU CAN'T GIVE UP! 

Every day you fight for your peace, your purpose, your happiness!

If your normal is lost, you create a new normal, and you work for it EVERY DAY! Push yourself to make it happen, find new ways to accomplish what you want to do and, on those days, where everything is falling down on your shoulders, unpack each thing, face it, embrace it, then release it. 

Because though it might not be better tomorrow, or even the next day. If you fight hard enough, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

I want to thank Shamrock, and my team there, Steve for creating such a loving and caring company and community for amputees. Thomas and Erik, for the support and information, ya'll have been my rock. Scott and the team in the back, thank you for the education and creation, of a limb that I can actually enjoy wearing with comfort. You all are helping me get back to a life of normalcy. Though it's not the same as before, I expect sometime down the road, this new normal may even be better than the one before.

                                             -Ariel